Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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