chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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