I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
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