i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
high people should be assigned attendants
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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