i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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