On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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