I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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