Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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