I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
she pinky promised me she was 18
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
false alarm, still single
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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