So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
