Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
