Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
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