Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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