well I can't set my house on fire every night
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
