I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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