Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize