I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
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