I am spending my child support on dildos
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Randomize
