This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
