I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Randomize
