Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
