Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
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