This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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