You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
