You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
