Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
