Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
