Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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