Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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