When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
