totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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