I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
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