can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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