there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
