After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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