well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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