Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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