I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
