Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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