and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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