The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
