You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
