god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
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