I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
