he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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