You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
