my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
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