Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Randomize
