Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
