i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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