I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
