can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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