he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
