My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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