i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
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