Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
