the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
