Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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